Backlog Dialogues

Things get weird in the first non-numbered title of Kingdom Hearts! Sora goes in to Castle Oblivion because he is  a good boy incapable of distrust, and meets a bunch of internet trolls wearing black cloaks. Axel, Larxene, Vexen, and Marluxia give us our first taste of the mysterious Organization that may or may not have thirteen members. If only their name gave us a clue. KH Fanfic writer Namine turns Sora's mind in to swiss cheese, but that doesn't deter Sora from befriending and protecting her anyways. Oh, and Sora has to deal with clunky card battle mechanics because the side games are for experiments!

Well, that Sora stuff was wild! Anyways, now let's follow Riku in to the basement of Castle Oblivion to see an incredibly great character piece interspersed with terrible revelations about what darkness smells like. Meet Zexion and Lexaeus, the slacker stoners of the mysterious organization, and join us in our utter delight at Riku's cringiest outing. Why can't ANYONE in this place find the light switch? The gameplay is better too! 

Let's hang out for a week with Roxas and his friends Hayner, Pence, and Olette in the sleepy, pleasant Twilight Town! But it's gonna be the worst week of Roxas' life. We recover the concept of pictures that were stolen by zipperjacket flappy dudes, beat up Smarmy Git Seifer and his posse of Fu, Rai, and Vivi, do odd jobs to go to the beach only to have our money stolen by a cloak dude, do our homework as reality starts to break down around us, and finally reach the tragic conclusion of the story of Roxas and Axel before we've had a chance to get to know either. DiZ is a dick.

We're Sora again! Mickey is trying too hard to be cool and sends us to meet with a bunch of lorebooks in a wizard hat and cloak, Yen Sid. We meet the best mook ever, Pete, and Sora gets new clothes, fortunately not inspired by Pete's special threads. Then we visit Hollow Bastion again, get membership cards to a nebulously defined organization that needs a better name, and then another nebulously defined organization shows up to troll us. We also have a fun sidebar discussing the various interests of Kazushige Nojima. Okay, one interest, memories.

We finally make it to the first batch of Disney worlds in Kingdom Hearts 2! First we visit the Hollywood set version of Mulan with Land of the Dragons. The Chinese Army has more use for kids, ducks and dog things than it does women. Mushu chases clout by trying to act like we're friends just because he was a summon in the last game.  Sora begins a new run of self insert fanfic by involving himself in other peoples stories. Then the story stops abruptly. Then we go to Beast's Castle so we ca catch up with someone who IS our friend, but he's acting a bit off. Talking furniture tries to make us do party games in the dungeon and it is not fun. Some guy named Xaldin tries to make us care that he exists, but honestly not that much. The story stops abruptly. I wonder if this is going to be a thing.

It's the sequel to the Hades minilog that no-one expected as we return to Olympus Coliseum! We keep on brand with it by spending most of the time trying to escape the underworld! But before all that, Merlin interrupts the story to drag our asses back to Hollow Bastion to introduce us to Kingdom Hearts 2's Winnie the Pooh story. Lets just save that for later. We discuss the coolness of Auron, revisit the question of what Zexion and Lexaeus were doing in the basement of Castle Oblivion, and fail to synchronize three voices since we record in separate locations. 

We got a short trip to the distant past in this episode! Bad stuff is going down in Disney Castle so it's up to Sora, Donald, and Goofy to enlist the help of a possibly evil wizard to break the rules of time and space so that they can return to King Mickey's roots and save the cornerstone! Lots of Pete antics on the plate today, double the Pete, in fact! So much Pete you can hardly believe your Petes! Wait... just what the hell shape is a cornerstone?

We have our first live action Disney world represented in Kingdom Hearts with Port Royal, a terrifying world filled with spooky, horrifying abominations of nature that delve deep in the uncanny valley. And also it has ghost skeleton pirates! After that we head back to Agrabah and stumble through a clumsy half retelling of our first Disney direct to video sequel story. And most importantly, we stay away from going under the sea for a week longer.

Alternate Episode Title: How the Witch Stole Christmas.
In Halloweentown, SDG join a skeleton named Jack that is not Johnny Depp in the ritual harassment of Santa Claus, who Sora is very horny to meet. Matt pulls out an absolutely amazing Goofy voice that we regret not having him try way before, but hey, we know about it now! Maleficent makes two of the worst decisions in her career as a villain, and its all in hiring. She needs to get an HR department. Then we go to the Pride Lands, where maybe we're a lion? Sora plots a regicide. We discuss the perfection of Pete's lion fursona, but spend so much time that we run short, so we'll speed run the back half of the plot of Lion King! Kingdom Hearts throws us a curveball that proves Scar is the most powerful and dangerous of Disney Villains. We're still not going to have finny fun.

It's Final Fantasy Day(YAY!) as we return to Twilight Town and Hollow Bastion! Oh and then we learn how to computer in Space Paranoids. We poorly try to put a pitch filter on a voice to make John sound like Donald for a scene. Saix and Lexaeus get our Organization XIII discussion focus. We meet the weirdest Final Fantasy cameo in the fairy forms of Yuna, Rikku, and Paine. Yes, this is weirder than Setzer. Tifa decides to roll an investigation check using her Strength score. Stitch shows up literally out of nowhere to be the best summon in the game. Mickey says the single greatest line in all of Kingdom Hearts.